Finding Courage Through Sharing Blog Carnival ~ August 2008

This month, Michelle said:

"The topic for this month is memories and memory markers. Share about something that trips a memory in your journey with your child or children, or just a memory that is special to you. The memory can be happy, sad, or anything in between. If you don’t have time to write specifically for this prompt, feel free to share a post that matters to you from your archives. I’m looking forward to seeing what you have to share this month… "

Now that I have been involved in the blogging world and connecting with other parents who have children with special needs, I am constantly triggered by the old memories. Most of the time, it helps me recall things that might have otherwise been forgotten.

Lately, there are a lot of other moms who are struggling with potty training, I get brought back to those times. They definitely haven't been forgotten since they are fairly recent memories. Gabi was 6 1/2 years old before she was finally potty trained. It wasn't easy, but finally after she entered a new school and had a group of wonderful teachers and aides who were just as determined as I finally became, we met those potty training goals. Thanks Ms. Elise and your team of aides!

Just last week, I was triggered into remembering what it was like after Gabi was extubated after her open heart surgery when Kele posted about Presley's extubation being rough. Gabi did really well after her heart surgery until the night that they extubated her. It was the first night that I didn't go home. She was seriously struggling, and I could see it in the medical staff's faces that they were also worried, considering re-intubating her, and putting her back on the vent. Her respirations were very labored, her breaths were fast, and her chest retracted deeply with each breath she took. It was the 1st time that the thought crossed my mind that she might not make it. I told Gabi's father, "I am staying tonight... I am afraid to leave her." Sleeping at the bedside was a big NO-NO because if they had to get to her in an emergency, the obstacle of removing a sleeping parent at bedside costs valuable time. That didn't matter because I knew I couldn't sleep due to my worry for her.

After much deliberation, one of the doctor's decided to try her on IV steroids to see if that would help her get over this hump. When he told me his plan, I let off a huge sigh of relief. Internally, that was what I was hoping for. By the time she received her second dose of steroids, she had already made huge improvements. It was a scary time, though.

But June 2007, had to have been the most vivid of all things that tripped my memory. We were at church, and our pastor announced that Carlee, our worship leader, had her baby the previous week and that she had been born with Down syndrome. Suddenly you could hear the sound of the whole congregation as we gasped in unison. I was instantly brought back to the day I got the call from my OBGYN regarding my amniocentesis results. I was terrified and knew that Carlee and her family were going through this same thing right now. "Don't cry! Don't cry!" I kept telling myself, but it was too late. I headed quickly out of the church. I was followed by a friend from my Bible Fellowship class who could tell I was upset. She hugged me, and I sobbed saying, "I didn't know." Of course I didn't know. No one knew, not even Carlee. I was so overwhelmed with emotion for her just as I was overwhelmed for myself that day in 1999. I wasn't sad for her because I knew already what she would soon discover. These children are certainly blessings. I was just so overwhelmed with the fear of the unknown that I knew she had to be feeling. It's terrifying!

Just after Preston was born, I went with Ryan to one of the choir rehearsals. Carlee sat next to me at one point during it and confided in me that they were expecting. We talked a little about Preston, but we also talked a little about Gabi. Maybe it was God's way of introducing her to the world of Down syndrome. I don't pretend to know God's intentions, but I certainly don't believe in coincidences, either. I just think that out of all times for her to talk to me about Gabi, it had to have been God's doing for it to be just as she carried her precious Ellen in her womb.


Carlee, Ellen, Me & Gabi at 2007 Buddy Walk